Hormonal Injustice

Heterosexual Sex is funny. Seriously funny.

Why, for example, do males get so much more sex drive than females? Now scientists can even see it in their brains, all those inflamed areas that we only suspected when our brothers headed for the shower again and we thought: Yup. There he goes. Damn. It’s only been an hour.

We’ve finally got proof! 

But think about it with me: How intensely sexual men actually are. Us females are the ones who get pregnant. You’d think Mother Nature would ensure the whole thing by making us the most sexually eager. Right? We should be the ones running around pleading. Please, Please: I love you, I do! Tomorrow and forever! Now stick it in! My oves are turning blue...

But no, guys get a lot of sex drive all the time. Maybe not all the time, maybe not when they’re watching the game. But the rest of the time.

We get it maybe a few days before our uterine wall collapses in grief or relief, dependent on whether the miracle of birth is our deepest desire or our greatest calamity.

If it IS our dearest wish to feel that fertilized egg developing inside of us, shouldn’t we get the sex drive so we can be sure it happens? I mean, look at it this way: If you’re making bread, say, and the recipe calls for sesame seeds, wouldn’t you rather have them right there in your very own kitchen?

You don’t want to have to go from store to store looking for sesame seeds.

Well, same with making babies. Have that dependable sex drive, the urge itself, right there in your very own kitchen. If I was Mother Nature, women would have a hell of a lot more of it. They wouldn’t need warm feet, a relaxing massage, words of endless love, a beach with orgasmic waves, freedom from money worries, planning worries, job worries, child worries, friend circle worries, hair, and eyebrow worries.

No: if I was Mother Nature, every woman at every age would be enjoying the urge and making sure she found the release. Guaranteed sex drive.

And let’s face it: women are also better at the selection process than guys will ever be. All that sexual preoccupation in the male brain? We’re actually thinking,. Yup. All the time. I say, we have a lot better judgment. We should have the most sex drive, so that the selection works out better. It’s not working out so well these days, is it?

Mother Nature, come on now!!! You could have at least evened out the hormones. Women could use a bit more muscle and aggression, too. Sex drive, muscle, aggression: all wrapped up in testosterone.

It’s not so great that one out of three American females gets raped in her lifetime. I mean: Give us half a chance! A bit more don’t-you-dare, asshole, a bit less compassion. Wouldn’t hurt for guys to think we might know how to handle ourselves in a dark alley, not just the boardroom..

And how come you didn’t give guys more oxytocin - the bonding chemical? Did you think we women want to spend our time calming them down? Stroking their egos so they might finally believe we love them? They need that bonding chemical. Desperately. Before they misinterpret everything and blow us all up.

Mother Nature. You fucked up. Distribution of resources not good.

And did you have to make us so visibly, outrageously opposite? Did his equipment have to be that obvious and ours that subtle? It takes serious investigation - and maybe a textbook - to find the female orgasmic trigger, and a quick glance to see the male's.

The sheer length of male equipment is bizarre. I mean, all the decisive thrill for us females is upfront in the clit, even before you go in, and just going in can do it for a lot of you guys anyway. Mother Nature: was it really necessary to saddle males with towel racks? Every time they see a pretty girl?

Ridiculous. Bad planning. Ok: so maybe the uterus is in another solar system, couldn’t you have just made the spermatozoa hardier? More capable of getting there? Better rocket fuel? Built in GPS coaches?

It’s too difficult. And then the project - the actual time-intensive, jaw destroying - project of getting the female off, with her clit being practically undetectable - and mind you, it was only just discovered yesterday - Mama Nature! How could you do this to women, to men and women???

Why’d you have to make us so tricky and guys so simple? Guys are simple hydraulics. Fill we Up. Drain we Down. Us? You need to be a geophysicist for us. Press Here? Lick There? Sure, you gave us multiple orgasms, but a lot of us gotta have a vibrator to reliably get them! Then we feel guilty because our guy just can’t tongue that fast, or get it just in the - no, no, yes, there! - right spot. Geese, Louise..,

What were you thinking...,

Yup! If I were Mother Nature, I would give women a lot more sex drive, a lot less blood, more muscle and aggression, and a lot less worry.

I mean, Hello, Mama! We’re the sex that makes life! Shouldn’t we get to enjoy it more?